"Dr. Phil, I am so confused."
"I'm here to help. Tell me of this confusion, Lena."
"Well, I have my own TV show, and things should be good, right?"
"I'm not sure having your own TV show is a valid form of self-esteem. Perhaps there is a bigger problem, underneath..."
"Are you calling me fat?"
"No, that is not what I said, Lena..."
"People say all kinds of things to me but I know what they are all saying is that I'm fat. I'm fat fat fat fat fat. I'm that fat girl on that T.V. show. Fat girl. Fat."
"Maybe we are coming closer to the source of your pain..."
"It's not my fault, Dr. Phil. When I read about hateful people it drives me to eat. Mean people make me upset, and being upset makes me hungry. There are so many mean, mean people in the world, and it makes me fat. Fat and sad, but the fat part is the worst."
"You do realize that your excessive eating does not help these people, right?"
"But I try to only buy organic Fair Trade foods where brown people are not exploited. I think THAT makes a difference."
"That's commendable, but --"
"--have YOU ever eaten an organic vegan gluten-free Twinkie at three in the morning? They're awful! The creme filling is NOT creamy, it's lumpy and gross! Why is this world so hard?"
"Dealing with the perceived unfairness of the world is an important step to self-understanding, Lena."
"Dr. Phil, sometimes I stand naked in front of the mirror and I am so disgusted with myself I shove Snickers bars up my ass."
"I want to give those Snickers to mean people and say "Mean People: eat my Ass Snickers."
"Lena, there are doctors who could help you manage your eating and exercise..."
"Sure. But can they stop the voices?"
"You hear voices?"
"The Internet talks to me. I unplug my laptop and turn off my iPhone but I still hear them. Everyone just keeps talking talking talking and all they talk about is how fat I am. They think I don't hear them, but I do."
"I believe you might be manifesting your fears, Lena. Let's try an experiment. Picture yourself thin: what are you doing? What is thin Lena doing?"
"Thin Lena is smearing her poop over pictures of all the people who called her fat. Icky bad people, and I smear them with my poop, and it makes me feel better. Thin Lena poop."
"Does 'Thin Lena' have any... happier thoughts?"
"No, Dr. Phil. Thin Lena is filled with Hate. Deep creamy Hate. They all thought it was funny when I was Fat Lena, but Thin Lena now wants them all to pay. Thin Lena wants People To Die. Thin Lena wants to drink their blood and desecrate their sexual organs and then dance like no one is watching."
"You know, Lena, there may be more here than we can address in a single episode..."
"It's because I'm fat, right? A skinny hour isn't big enough for the Fat Girl..."
"Perhaps we can have you back for another episode, Lena..."
"Did you know I put pebbles in my baby sister's vagina when I was little? Do you think that might have caused me to be fat? Am I fat because I put pebbles in my baby sister's vagina?"
"Eat my Ass Snickers, America! Eat my Ass Snickers...!"
I am Laslo.